I have recently been reading the essays of Michel de Montaigne, written towards the end of the 1500s. Montaigne had retired to his family estate, set up his study, and began to write on whatever came to mind. There are essays on topics diverse as Ancient Customs, Idleness, a Monstrous Child, War Horses, Sadness, Prayer, Education, Drunkenness, the Inconvenience of Greatness, and one in particular I thought relevant to today, an essay entitled, ‘On some lines of Virgil’, which is actually about sex and marriage. In this Montaigne writes that Aristotle warns husbands,
"… we should approach our wives wisely and gravely for fear lest we unhinge their reason by arousing them too lasciviously."
So, I thought I ought to pass this warning on to Freddie, lest he unhinge Fiona’s reason by arousing her too lasciviously. We can only hope the warning has not come too late.
Misguided by prejudice men in the past have believed some extraordinary things about female sexuality and madness, but I don’t think that’s what Montaigne is aiming for here because he goes on to write about what he considers the proper basis for a marriage, and anyway, much of what he writes is satirical.
He argues, ‘I know no marriages which fail... more quickly than those which are set on foot by beauty and amorous desire. Marriage requires foundations which are solid and durable…that boiling rapture is no good at all.’
A good marriage, he argues, is based instead on ‘loving friendship.’
I presume we are all wise enough to realise that desire and love are not the same, even if we hope they at least occasionally coincide, and I expect we may be wise enough to realise that marriages should be based on love and not just desire, but what is love?
Is it a feeling?
Is it a whiz of chemicals scooting round our bodies and brains?
Is it fate?
Is it just a delusion?
Love can be incredibly powerful, it can shape our lives, determine our decisions, define our hopes, inspire us to acts of selflessness, and even cause us to put our lives on the line. Yet we cannot see or touch love, there is no consensus on what love is, and people misuse love as an excuse for appallingly selfish and wicked behaviour.
A Christian marriage service encourages us to understand love as more than a passing feeling, or a febrile state of mind, couples promise to
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part.
That’s a description of commitment, a promise to keep going even when that loving feeling isn’t uppermost in your day to day experience. It is a promise that if your beloved should go bold, flatulent and toothless, that loving commitment will remain come what may.
That’s asking more of people than Montaigne’s ‘loving friendship’, or at least it’s making clear that loving friendship must have a backbone of commitment to keep it standing.
So why does Christian marriage ask this of people?
The bible says, ‘God is love. Those who live in love live in Him, and He in them.’
Like love, God cannot be seen or touched, like love, there is no consensus on God, and like love, people misuse God as an excuse for appallingly selfish and wicked behaviour.
But if the bible is right, and God is love, then both love and God can be experienced in the loving touch of another. There at the heart of all that means most to us, our deepest loving relationships, is the presence of God.
Christians believe this because of the life of Jesus. The love of God was made visible in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. The bible says, ‘This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.’
Jesus left his heavenly throne above to live as a man, and went to the cross for love of us, that’s the measure of loving commitment. That bible passage continues, ‘Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.’
That's the standard – eternal, unconditional, committed love. A love that is willing to even die for the beloved. A love that brings healing and forgiveness. A love that leads to life in this world and the next.
So, if you're trading in hate, you don't know God. We should aspire to love as God loves us.
In trying to love as God loved us, we on occasions fall short – so we need to turn back to God and receive His forgiveness, and we need to offer that forgiveness to those around us, especially those closest to us.
As we heard in our bible reading from Colossians, “Bear with each other and forgive one another... Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
So Freddie and Fiona – love each other like Christ loves us, and forgive each other as Christ forgave us.
And Freddie, just in case Aristotle is right about husbands unhinging their wives’ reason by arousing them too lasciviously, perhaps go carefully.
Amen.