I found this trifle while going through some old papers. From dating clues in the content, and from my vague recollection, I think I wrote it in around 2005. That was before I was Ordained either Priest or Deacon in the established Church, and even before I went away to study at Theological College. The intervening years have added, I hope, a little to my poor stock of wisdom and knowledge and I would not write such nonsense now, so I publish this document as a folly to be sniffed at rather than a monument worthy of regard.
I did consider updating some of the references contemporary to the time of writing but then with the inevitable further passage of time and events such changes would only have fallen once more back into datedness. I must admit I did add the ‘don’t tell the Bishop’ line as I was then unaware of the varied errors into which I could wander.
Keeping the Faith.
Scene: A Vicar’s Study.
Telephone Rings.
Hello, Reverend Vicebutt – Nague here.
Hello, is that the Vicar?
Yes, I am the Vicar, how can I help you?
Only you said you were someone else just now?
Ah! I see the confusion - Vicars are Reverends, I am the Reverend Graham Vicebutt – Nague, Vicar of this Parish for my sins!
Well Reverend Nicebutt – Vague, I was wondering if you could help me?
Actually that’s Vicebutt – Nague. My father was a Nague, my mother was a Vicebutt. She insisted the name stay in the family, there have been Vicebutts in this part of the country for generations. Anyway, you can call me Vicar if that’s easier for you. What can I do for you?
I am having a crises of faith, Vicar, and I wondered if you could help me?
May I ask your name? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, you can remain anonymous. Perhaps your first name?
Fay.
Fay! I’m listening and I shall try my best to help, after all I am a faith care specialist. Now, just what prompted this loss of faith, this crises as you call it?
I haven’t lost my faith.
I’m sorry, I thought you said you had, I’m so sorry I must have miss heard you.
I really wish I could lose my faith, perhaps you could help me…
I’m sorry…I’m sorry, erm…you want to lose your faith?
Yes.
And you want me to help you?
If you could.
You want me to help you lose your faith. Now look here, I don’t think this is very funny, this is not funny at all. I’m a very busy man, people don’t bury themselves you know, I have a eulogy to write and
Please help me…
And I have a School Governors meeting this evening. Children don’t just educate themselves. Now, if there’s nothing else I’ll be saying goodbye.
Please. I don’t know who else to talk to. If you can’t help me who can?
(Pause)
You are not joking are you?
No.
Perhaps the Atheist Society could be of help to you. I have their number.
I have it too. I tried them before you.
Did they not help? They are usually quite keen.
They were very friendly but they didn’t understand. They just gave me a whole load more things to have faith in. He told me I only believed religious things because I had been told them by my parents and my culture, I asked him if he only believed what he believed because he had been told it by his parents and culture but apparently that was different. Anyway now I believe there is nothing to believe except science and statistics. I never used to believe in believing in nothing and science and statistics until I spoke to him, it’s his fault. I hoped you could help me not to believe in so many things.
In things? Do you mean to say that he replaced your faith with atheism? Do you want me to guide you back to faith in God?
In things, that’s right. In all sorts of things, some of them contradictory, it gives me a headache thinking about them all. It makes my life so hard having them all whirring round in my head. I am constantly confident in any number of things and then things seem to go wrong. Do you believe in Adam and Eve?
I, well, that depends…I believe that some people find it important to think of Adam and Eve in those terms and that there is value in the narrative structure of the opening chapters of Genesis as a very real human drama even if not real in the literal sense, but of course Adam and Eve are diversely present in our collective cultural imagination.
Yes, you see I believe in them too. The man at the Atheist Society was very understanding at first when I told him but later after he had convinced me about apes and evolution and all that I said I still believed in Adam and Eve and he got upset. Do you believe in evolution and apes?
I certainly believe in apes, and evolution as a theory has a great deal of evidence behind it, although some questions remain unanswered.
So it’s not silly to believe in apes, evolution and Adam and Eve?
I wouldn’t have said it was silly.
Good. That atheist man was making out I was daft or something. It’s just that I have too much faith. Perhaps you could reduce my faith? I would rather lose it all together, but if that upsets you perhaps you could just reduce my faith down a bit?
Faith -O-Suction, as it were?
Like Liposuction? I believe in plastic surgery. My friends say it is a waste of money, but I too could be glamour-model beautiful. I haven’t got the money yet but I will have soon because I keep buying Lottery Tickets and then my breasts will be firm and round, only I don’t win but I will. Do you believe in plastic surgery?
I believe it can help with the self-esteem of some people although perhaps we should be more concerned with the image of God in us than the images of the glamour industry.
I am so glad you said that, I believe in the glamour industry too. I think Jordan is inspirational, I think she is a feminist Icon, I think her and Peter Andre are the perfect couple. Do you read Hello magazine?
I have seen it. I worry that it promotes unrealistic expectations, although the same could perhaps be said of the bible. I think we have to be careful not to confuse justifiable aspirations with consumerist driven materialism. Have you read Archbishop Rowan Williams on the Desert Fathers? I have a copy if you would like to borrow it?
I think Rowen is inspirational, scholarly and yet accessible, I think he is a religious Icon. I believe he is so right in saying that until we factor in spiritual costs to the global market economy we can never understand the spiritual consequences of our own consumption patterns. I believe we should make poverty history, do you believe we should make poverty history?
I believe it is what Rowan would want. You are making me feel a little dizzy.
Actually, I don’t think this is helping me either. I can feel my faith increasing as we speak.
Faith can be a positive aspect of life, not a fundamentalist faith you understand, a questioning faith is very healthy. I think you should have faith in the exploration of faith, faith in the very real questions that faith gives rise to, faith as a quest into the possibility of faith.
That’s daft. Faith is about believing things.
I believe in one thing after another, God, gods and no God, all of them without exception, each of them complimentary even if contradictory. I believe in all that is seen and unseen, I believe in politicians and their promises, in TV pundits and their punditry, I believe the things I read in the newspapers, truth in the Sun and Mail, light in the Star and Express. I believe in money off coupons, two for one offers and buy one get one free, I believe we must hurry because the sale ends soon. I believe in Wittgenstein and Mickey Mouse, I believe he died for us all. Of one being with the Celebrity, sexed up not spun, for us and for our security, redacted not made, lite not full fat. I believe in jihadi washing machines, I believe that weapons of mass destruction shall be found in Iraq, seventy two virgins washing whiter at lower temperatures, for a brighter, cleaner, fresher future. I believe size doesn’t matter and that he will love me in the morning, love me when I’m old and toothless, love me in the care home, love me until death us do part, I believe he really is the one, and I believe in you Vicar, and all that you stand for and all you stand against, I believe in all your polite meaningless pleasantries, I didn’t believe in you before I picked up this phone, but oh boy do I believe in you now.
(Pause)
I have to admit I do sometimes struggle with believing in the Trinity,
Well I can certainly help you there. Perhaps if you think of the Trinity as an eternal liturgical dance of three beings in perfect community but not indistinct. A unity in polyphonic diversity. A melody in three part harmony. A cosmic choreography to heavenly music in which we are all invited to participate. Or if music is not your thing, then perhaps a mysterious effulgence of light piercing the darkness.
I’m not feeling it.
Ok, hang on…I’ve got something else, I wrote it down, Ok, is this it? Yes, here we go, it’s from the Catholics, they’re quite good at this sort of thing…ahem… The mystery of the Most Holy Trinity is the central mystery of the Christian faith and of Christian life. God alone can make it known to us by revealing himself as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The Incarnation of God's Son reveals that God is the eternal Father and that the Son is consubstantial with the Father, which means that, in the Father and with the Father the Son is one and the same God. The mission of the Holy Spirit, sent by the Father in the name of the Son, and by the Son "from the Father", reveals that, with them, the Spirit is one and the same God. Inseparable in what they are, the divine persons are also inseparable in what they do. But within the single divine operation each shows forth what is proper to him in the Trinity, especially in the divine missions of the Son's Incarnation and the gift of the Holy Spirit.
Clear now?
You see I hear all those words and know what they mean separately but not together lined up like that. I mean, I read Jesus said you had to be like a child to understand?
Actually you are quite correct. May I ask, has anyone ever loved you for who you are, not for what they want from you?
I think so. My father. He loves me whatever. He doesn’t even mind my believing too much stuff and telling him all about it.
So, that kind of love, that doesn’t give up, that loves you for who you are, that’s really powerful, right?
Yes.
But you can’t see it, even though it matters more than anything else and is really powerful you can’t actually touch it, but you know it is real.
Yes, but I suppose because the way my father is, what he does for me, then I can see that love.
So there is love which cannot be seen but is made known by, for example, a hug, and there is also the feeling inside of you when someone who loves you gives you a hug. The bible says God is love, the kind of love that doesn’t give up on you, that loves you for who you are even if you make mistakes or do bad things, so then Jesus is like a hug from God, he is the love of God made visible, touchable, huggable, and then the Holy Spirit is like the feeling inside you of security and peace, of being loved, that feeling, the Spirit, gives you the ability to pass God’s love on.
Are you saying the Trinity is like a hug?
I may well be, but don’t tell the Bishop. He will tell me off. According to him the Trinity is like nothing on earth and you just have to go along with it.
Ok. That helps.
So if I love like that I am experiencing the Trinity…?
I can know God not just know about Him. Cool.
Thank you. Oh, and I won’t tell the Bishop.
Good, good. Now, I have an idea that regular gift aided giving to the Church using a standing order would be of great benefit in reducing your credulity and hence lessening your faith levels, shall I pop a form in the post to you?
(pause)
Shall I pop a form in the post, eh?
(pause)
Hello? She has rung off. Would you believe it?!
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