They entered Gary for ‘Chef Supreme’ as a joke.
Not as a mean joke, but as blokey banter.
Gary had worked as a chef at the roadside cafe for the last twenty years.
He started when it was just a van parked in the layby.
Now it was a Portacabin with associated sheds and seating areas.
All patriotically decked in Union Jack bunting.
Matt, was the owner. He had advertised for a chef after it became clear he could not serve, cook, and run the business at the same time.
Matt was from Poland, his real name was Mateusz but nobody except the occasional Eastern European could pronounce that, and not many Eastern Europeans travelled the A 187 in those days.
People liked Gary. He was quiet, but he smiled if you spoke to him.
Most of the time he was too busy for a conversation anyway.
It may well be the case that people liked Gary because he cooked them up delicious food.
People knock cupboard love, but it is sincerely felt. The stomach does not lie.
I say cook, but it was mainly frying things. Burgers. Chips. Sausages. Bacon. Eggs. Chips. Mushrooms. Chips. Chicken. Tomatoes. Hash browns.
Did I mention chips?
To be fair, the baked beans and mushy peas where warmed in vats, and you could have your eggs scrambled.
I’m not being fair, there was also roasts on a Sunday, and curries, and sausage and mash, and various other hearty meals available.
It is actually a demanding job. It takes a lot of mental logistics, and hand eye coordination, to get all those meals ready on time, concentrating under pressure in a hot confined kitchen, on view to customers as they queue for the till, and everyone’s a food critic these days.
Some let you know what they think, others comment silently as they chomp.
Some of the regulars are very complimentary.
Some of the regulars are impossible to please.
Some are just so beaten down by life their grumpiness has become ingrained, like nicotine stains.
The thing is, Gary’s very good at his job. He doesn’t burn things, or undercook them. Over time he had persuaded Matt that using good quality ingredients paid. A satisfied customer comes back for more, and will pay if he thinks he is getting his money’s worth.
Gaz’s Specials (spelt without the apostrophe, but I can’t bring myself to write it like that) featured homemade sausages, and burgers, and bread. Gary made them at home and brought them in. A premium line that was popular. Especially with the bikers who buzzed along the A 187 at the weekend.
Most of the customers of the Happy Chompers – that’s the name of the establishment, were bikers or truckers, or out-and-about tradesmen, and most of these were actually men. That made for a greasy-matey kind of atmosphere. A respectful distance was given to everyone, and expected from everyone, broken by occasional banter.
Sometimes a lucky lady was taken their by her husband for a weekend treat.
“Don’t say I never take you out.”
Gary was surprised when he got the letter saying he had been accepted as a contestant for the preliminary rounds of ‘Chef Supreme’. Of course he was – it was the first he had heard of it.
He suspected it was a joke, and he suspected the employees of the Parks and Gardens Department of the local council, who called in most mornings for a ‘Breakfast in a Box’, were the ones who were behind it.
He said nothing about it when they came in, and so a game of ‘chicken’ began, with neither Gary nor the varied employees of the Council Parks and Gardens Department being willing to bring up the subject for fear of the other party denying all knowledge of the matter. There was a slight tension, a slight stilting of the conversation, and some occasional sidelong glances, that did enough to confirm Gary’s suspicions, and was also enough to encourage Baz of the Parks and Gardens Department to broach the subject.
“Y’alright there Gaz?”
“Livin’ the dream, mate”
“You were on top form yesterday, best sausages ever. You ought to go on that Chef Supreme programme. Reckon you’d smash it.”
Then a long moment of suspense and anticipation as Gary carefully loaded the fried eggs into their breakfast boxes.
“Reckon I will.”
Gary had called their bluff.
“Really?!”
“Yep. Got the letter from the Production Company at home. It’s in the recycling bin, but I think I’ll fish it out.”
Now the varied assembled employees of the Parks and Gardens Department had a choice they had not anticipated, did they mock Gary’s decision to enter, or support him?
It might be mean to mock, but funny if they could get the tone right…still, there was something audacious in what Gary had said.
Gary got them off the hook by asking with a smile how they got his personal details for the entry form?
“You leave your wallet hanging about in your coat don’t you? Dave got you talking about home cured bacon while you were on your break, I nipped it out, and Matt slipped it back at the end of the day. You wanna take your personal security more seriously, mate.”
“You wanna remember who could slip something nasty into your breakfast box.”
“So you really going to have a go?”
“I am.”
“Good luck to you”
“Thank you.”
“Matt’ll be putting the prices up if you win.”
As everyone collected their breakfast in a box, they gave Gary a nod and a smile, and the odd word of encouragement. No one wanted to say too much as it was obvious he wouldn’t win, but maybe he would be on the tele?
The auditions took place in regional towns and cities. Gary didn’t get out much so he was quite taken with getting dressed up and going to town. When he wasn’t at the Happy Chompers he was usually preparing food at home to take in. Over the years assistant chefs had come and gone, and the amount of time and work Gary put in just went up. Matt’s wife, Sharon, came in to cover for him so he could go to the audition, she helped out at busy times anyway, as did his two daughters who helped serve customers.
Much to Gary’s surprise the auditions didn’t require you to cook anything, they just wanted to “really get to know you!”
The auditions were held in a theatre. He was early, and they were a bit behind schedule, so he had to wait for his turn in the attached café.
When he was called in he was shown onto the stage, where sat two young women and a young man. They were dressed informally, trainers, jeans, T-shirts with slogans on, all of which made Gary wonder if his decision to wear a grey suit was right. They asked him questions and made notes. Questions about his life and attitudes, about his relationships, some seemed very random – “what if Lady Gaga came round for dinner, what would you cook, what would you talk about?”
“I would take her to work to meet everyone, else they wouldn’t believe me.”
The questions went on.
Gary being a quiet sort didn’t say much, although he felt he did.
Then finally they asked him about cooking. What he liked to cook, why he started cooking, why he entered the competition?
Gary came alive, these were questions he could talk about all day – except usually nobody wanted to listen. As a child he had watched his grandfather cook Sunday lunch for the family, and he helped him when he was old enough. His Grandfather only cooked on Sundays, and only for the grand Sunday lunch when everyone came round. It was, he said, a treat for him to cook, and a treat for everyone else to be fed. These seemed genuinely happy family occasions, even if being a child Gary didn’t always understand the family tensions and divisions that existed. Because of these memories, deep in Gary’s mind was the thought that cooking good things for people to eat made them happy, and made the cook a special person.
Gary had attended catering college, he had qualified, and he had gone on to work in various pubs and restaurants, learning the trade and slowly gaining responsibility. In a busy, noisy kitchen, full of big personalities it was easy for Gary to sink into the background, but at length some recognised his worth and moved him on from chopping things in the corner to actually cooking and preparing. He didn’t have much job security, he had to move from job to job as trade varied, and as the businesses he worked for came and went, but there was always work, even if it took him far from home and family. His romantic life was patchy, dating a chef can be tough – antisocial hours, working at weekends, so you can end up alone a lot of the time. Gary felt he had to work hard and be dedicated to gain the progression in his career that would give him security in his professional and personal life, yet aware that this determination was undermining any personal stability he had.
The years went by, and that far horizon of a settled and successful professional and personal life seemed to recede the harder he strove for it. Falling in love just made the dilemma harder, and when he retreated back to his parents’ home with a broken heart after yet another break up he didn’t work for a year, and then worked for a while at anything but being a chef. That seemed a hollow kind of life to him, but at least he wasn’t getting hurt, or hurting anyone else.
To his surprise the job that had wounded him proved to be the job that healed him, he got back into cooking, but not at a restaurant or pub. Working at the Happy Chompers was a big blow to his pride, but it didn’t require an industrial scale commitment from him, and as he let his guard down he found that old delight in cooking for people came back; seeing them hungry with anticipation, and then seeing them smiling with greasy satisfaction. At length he realised his skills were as well employed there as anywhere else, he wasn’t challenged by the environment, but he could challenge himself to do better, to better deliver a tastier burger at a good price and quickly. Instead of giving them something merely to stuff their hungry faces with, he gave them something worth eating, and slowly people understood and his place in their hearts grew.
Here was somewhere those memories of Grandad’s Sunday dinners for the whole family found a distant echo.
So he explained all this to the three casual yet earnest young people, eager to justify his career choice, and pleased to be talking about why he loved cooking.
He even told them his entry for the competition had been a joke, but that now he really meant it. This was a chance for him to show that he was more than a transport cafe chef, that he really knew how to cook.
To redeem his past frustrations and failings.
To show them. To really show them.
Gary hadn’t thought all that through before the audition, it just came to him in the moment, perhaps because he felt so out of place in the theatre with these trendy articulate young people, and also because he suddenly felt defensive about being a transport cafe chef. Not that anyone was openly questioning his life choices, but the criticism seemed implied in their questions, and in their unspoken interactions with each other, or at least Gary felt it might be…or perhaps the situation had unearthed a buried doubt in Gary’s mind – had he given up too easily on his ambitions?
They thanked in for his time, and said they would be in touch, and they did get in touch, and much to Gary’s surprise it was to invite him to be a part of the show.
Chef Supreme was for professional chefs.
It aimed to find ‘the best of the best!’
The show ran over eight weeks.
Each week had a different cooking theme.
Each week two people were eliminated.
Contestants brought in ingredients prepared at home.
At the end of each show the judges would award marks for the food the contestants had prepared, but these only counted for half of the final mark as each week there was also a public vote. The public were supposed to vote on the basis of what the judges had said, but in reality it was a popularity contest. The judges feigned dismay when the public voted through to the next round a lesser cook, but that was just part of the theatrics of the show, it created a good talking point in the media the next day. The cooks who won usually went on to be TV chefs, or to run restaurants branded with their image – so they had to be characters to capture the public imagination.
It would seem brand is at least as appetising as taste, perhaps even more so.
The Casting Directors, that earnest casual young trio in the theatre, are briefed to look for ‘characters’, or ‘types’ that the public will understand, there needs to be a back story for each, and the potential for that story to develop.
It’s a kind of cooked up reality.
Time passed and excitement grew at the Happy Chompers.
One of the customers, Jim, an articulated lorry driver, explained to Gary how television production worked and what would happen. Jim had once been interviewed by the local news about rising fuel prices so knew all about it.
There was a lot of joking about how Gary should remember his humble origins once he was rich and famous, and how he could look forward to dating celebrity ‘birds’. Unthinkingly, in a distracted moment, he mentioned he liked Fiona Bruce, so from then on in the banter that romance was on for sure.
Matt was glad to give him time off to go to the studios, he thought the publicity would be good for business. Already there had been an uptick in custom as word got round of Gary’s new found fame.
When the date finally arrived for his Induction Day he turned up very early having worried the later train might not get him to the studios in time.
He still couldn’t really believe it was happening.
After he announced who he was to the lady on the desk, he was ushered into a conference room along with the other contestants for a get to know you ‘drinks and nibbles’ event with the Producers, but as he was early the Producers weren’t there to greet him, it was just him and the two contestants who had arrived even earlier. When the ‘what’s your name, and where you’re from’ conversations had been exhausted there was a long period of silence, interrupted only by other contestants arriving and attempting the same conversations. There was some assertion of cooking superiority in comments such as ‘I cooked for Princess Ann’, or ‘I studied at the Grand in York’, or ‘I worked with Gordon Ramsey.’
Gary was impressed, and despite his telling himself he shouldn’t be, a little intimidated.
At length the Producers arrived, there were four of them with various titles, a Television Producer, an Associate Producer, an Executive Producer, and a Coordinating Producer. Thankfully they were all very friendly, talkative, and interested in everyone, so Gary relaxed a little.
After sufficient socialising had occurred everyone was led into another conference room so they could go through the sort of lines the contestants should spontaneously say on the programme.
“It’s always been my dream to be on the show.”
“I have a real passion for cooking.”
“I’m so nervous.”
“I can’t believe I’m in the Chef Supreme kitchen!”
“Chef Supreme is such a great show.”
“Martin and Charlie are legends!”
(For those of you who do not watch Chef Supreme - Martin and Charlie are the show’s presenters)
They were then divided into groups, with one group being given a back stage tour, another being shown the set, and a third group split up to meet with the Producers individually to go through the sort of things they might say spontaneously as individuals.
The groups moved round until everyone had been through the process.
Gary had the lines,
“Banging bangers”
“Hot baps”
“Greasy buns”
He was told to speak about his Grandpa as his inspiration, and how he missed him, and about how years of heartbreak led him to find friendship amongst the clientele of a transport cafe.
He was surprised to be asked if he would prepare things from the cafe menu on the show. He was surprised, but relieved because it solved a dilemma for him. He could cook the stuff you get in fancy restaurants, it had been a long time, but he was sure he could still do it, but then it might be best to do what he was good at. He had assumed they wouldn’t be interested in his sausages and burgers, but they were, they were very encouraging. He explained he was worried that the judges would criticise that kind of menu, and that it would be out of place on the show, but they assured him that’s what they wanted him to do.
Here’s what the Producers were thinking. Either Gary’s transport cafe cooking would be a huge joke with the public, or the public would identify with an underdog and cheer him on. In either case, there would be controversy and therein lies viewing figures and advertising revenue. They also lacked viewers from a male working class background, and Gary might be the person to pull them in.
They had set him up with a Twitter account, ‘Gaz’s Bangers and Baps.’
Finally, having sat through hair and make-up, and been fitted out in wardrobe, all by the prettiest people he had ever seen, and all who seemed politely amused by his appearance, he was led out to further discomfort in a photo shoot for his publicity pictures. For someone who usually retreated from attention back into the kitchen this was hard work.
Then it was lunch. The timetable had slipped considerably, so Gary was hungry, it had been an early start and breakfast was a distant memory.
There was a selection of what looked like small novelty sandwiches, they were assured that they were all suitable for vegans.
Gary had managed to be largely ignored through the day’s events, but he had at length been noticed by some of his fellow contestants, and he had to again go through who he was, where he was from, and where he worked. He was nervous about telling people he worked at a Transport Cafe, but people were polite and supportive, if a little taken-a-back.
After lunch everyone was introduced to Martin and Charlie.
Martin owned a string of restaurants across London.
He first come to public attention when he banned Hubert Elmet MP from all his restaurants after Hubert complained on Twitter about the service he had received in one of Martin’s restaurants. Although Martin frequently told his staff that the customer was always right, in practice he more often found them to be wrong, and this was one of those cases. He felt Hubert Elmet MP had been rude and unreasonable and let him know so in a strongly worded Tweet.
The following heated Twitter exchange got quite a few retweets and comments, then Talk Radio picked it up and ran a phone-in discussion with both parties contributing in the studio. Public sympathy was divided until Martin explained that his motivation wasn’t political, he just hated all politicians equally. That forthright opinion won a majority of the listeners to his side, and he triumphed in the public poll that ended the show.
Now known for his strong opinions the news media went to Martin for a quote or interview about any matter relating to the restaurant trade, or about food in general, knowing that he would say something worth reporting.
“Supermarkets were sucking the flavour out of the nation.”
“Politician’s wages should be slashed and then they can supplement their income by working as waiters. Let them get to know the real world!”
“Local authority Health and Safety Fascists are ruining the restaurant customer experience by squashing innovation.”
The publicity for his restaurants was marvellous, as his public profile went up so did his prices. TV interviews followed, a newspaper column written by him/for him, a cook book written by him/for him, appearances on Day Time TV cooking slots, and eventually Chef Supreme.
Martin the no nonsense judge who tells it like it is.
Charlie, on the other hand, was hilarious.
She had worked her way up through the comedy circuit with her brand of punchy socially inclusive humour.
“I am dating. Looking for love. I’m on ‘LovEveryone’ if you think you might fancy me!
Socially inclusive comic seeks punchlines not offensive to anyone.
Any gender blend welcome.
I’m especially looking for dates with humorous quirks and oddities to maintain stream of comedic anecdotes for shows.
Get in touch. I mean it, I don’t swipe right.
Seriously though, I can find the next big chef in cooking, but I can’t find love!
Don’t know why they got me to do Chef Supreme? Any more than three ingredients and I have to have a lie down. I use the smoke detector as a timer. Oh-oh! Sounds like that’s done! Might need a bit of fire extinguisher topping!
Mind you I am a cordon bleu on Deliveroo. I can order from a dozen different menus, several dishes from each, with sides and extras, snap up all the deals, and be ready with the plastic forks when they arrive. Oh yeah – proper quality ordering. Not all for me you understand, it’s for my dates, I do them in batches – remember I don’t swipe right! We’re all inclusive here!
Batch dates – looking for love is cheaper by the dozen!
Batch dates, if you’re going to have a long awkward silence on a date then share it with a crowd! It’s not just for the two of you!
Batch dates – like a party that no one knew anyone else was invited to.
Except me of course, I knew because I’m the twisted mastermind behind it all.
Batch dates – like an orgy except everyone’s looking to leave not come.
And everyone has a plastic fork – I don’t think that happens at an orgy, I mean what would you do with a plastic fork at an orgy?
Ha! This bloke on the front row knows! I can tell from his expression, he was all like, ’been there…forked that!’
I’m not giving up, they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince – I may as well batch kiss them and cut out the waiting! Pucker up frogs!
Frog – kiss. Frog – kiss. Frog – kiss. Frog – kiss. Frog – kiss. Frog – kiss. Frog – kiss. Frog – kiss. Frog – kiss. Frog – hang on! That one’s a toad! I’ll kiss it anyway, you never know!
Have you ever kissed a frog? It’s really difficult to look into their eyes.
Good with their tongues though.
Maybe I haven’t found love yet because I don’t know what I’m looking for.
Maybe love doesn’t look like a row of frogs waiting to be kissed, who knows?
Perhaps I should get my dates to cook me something, like on Chef Supreme? Have rounds and eliminate dates until I get down to my true love.
Eucalyptus parfait truffles in a whipped rhubarb sauce I love you, will you marry me?
Only then I’d become one of those comedians who move on to jokes about being married, and then you’re life’s basically a 1970s sitcom.
When a comedian starts doing baby jokes you know their career is either over, or moving into game shows.
Not me! I’m already presenting a reality show, and I’m still single!
I’m beating the system! I win!
Goodnight!”
All the contestants stood in a line while Martin and Charlie said hello and shook them by the hand. There was to be no selfies with the celebrities.
Then everyone was sat down and Martin gave a short address, telling them that this was a great opportunity for them, that they had to ‘cook out of their skins’, that quality and innovation mattered, that fortune favoured the brave, that this moment would define the rest of their lives, that greatness was within reach, that they could become cooking legends, that they should listen to the producers and follow their instructions, and that they were not to bow down to the establishment, or let the elite clip their wings.
Charlie then made several hilarious comments about not being able to cook yet being a judge on a cooking show, she said they were all winners for getting this far, and not to worry and to ‘just have fun.’
The rest of the afternoon was spent in yet another conference room where legal representatives of the Production Company, ‘Screen Productions’, explained the implications of the contracts the contestants had signed back when they agreed to come on the show. This long session led to the end of the Induction day, sadly neither Martin nor Charlie, nor any of the Producers could be there to say goodbye, but the lady on the desk was very friendly as everyone left.
Episode One: The challenge was to cook breakfast.
Gary prepared sausage, fried eggs, bacon, mushrooms, fired bread, fried tomatoes, with a mug of tea. Both Tomato and Brown sauce were available as condiments.
The sausages were his own recipe, the bacon was home cured, the bread was home baked, the tomatoes were from his garden, and the mushrooms were home grown. Both the Tomato and the Brown sauces were both of his own recipe and creation.
The varied Producers could barely contain their glee, to give you some idea of context the winner of the Breakfast round the previous year prepared duck eggs Florentine with a hollandaise and turmeric sauce, caramelized turkey bacon, with a side of pumpernickel toast, plum kale jam, and a glass of vanilla avocado smoothie made with coconut milk and Manuka honey.
The other contestants were puzzled but not threatened by Gary’s breakfast.
As the show progressed Martin became angry and dismissive about the breakfast Gary was cooking up, he said it was an insult to professional chefs everywhere, and showed a complete lack of respect for the judges and the show.
Charlie was hilarious, but generally supportive. She saw it as a victory for regular people, a recognition of working class culture, and affirmed Gary’s right to be himself.
Gary worked on through all of this, he was used to having a running commentary on his cooking from the customers, and he had realised how much of reality TV was in reality scripted.
The thing is, his breakfast was delicious.
At the tasting both Martin and Charlie were genuinely amazed and taken aback. So much so that they went off script momentarily.
Neither was stopping at just one mouthful as a taster.
Behind the scenes the Production Team quickly consulted and considered their next move. The usual Social Media Influencers who commented on the show were mostly against Gary, but several key Influencers who didn’t usually comment on Chef Supreme had weighed in on Gary’s side.
He was generating controversy and a new audience.
Martin gave Gary 2/10, Charlie gave him 8/10, and just enough of the public voted for him to go through to the next round.
In the week that followed the newspapers were divided, the Broad Sheets were generally appalled, and the Tabloids began a furious campaign for his victory.
The Happy Chompers had quite a few new customers that week, many of them journalists asking questions and looking for a story. The regular customers did not disappoint them. They were full of tales of Gary’s skill at cooking, and of his wit and wisdom, and what they did not know of his personal life they made up with educated guesses.
After a certain amount of professional amplification and creativity from the journalists Gary’s life and character was rounded out in the entertainment pages. According to the varied newspaper accounts Gary was both a shy reclusive man, and someone who partied all night. He was also a gay lady’s man. His dad was an unemployed miner, or eccentric aristocratic millionaire. His mother ran an illegal betting syndicate and/or the local Mothers Union. Gary lived in a canal boat/bachelor apartment/caravan/suburban semi, and apparently he once worked at the Ritz as a top chef but had to leave in suspicious circumstances – possibly because he discovered the owners were adulterating the wine, or possibly because he was having an adulterous affair with the owner’s wife.
All this was ‘according to sources close to Gary’ so the journalists didn’t worry too much about getting sued, and anyway Gary was not wealthy enough for lawyers, and he might even realise the publicity would do him good.
Episode Two. The challenge was to cook lunch.
Gary prepared a beef burger in a bap with cheese, bacon, fried onions, fried tomatoes, and mustard, with a side serving of chips and salad.
The burger, bap, mustard, and cheese were all homemade. Gary had never made cheese before, but he had guessed it might come in useful for Chef Supreme so planned ahead and produced a cheese of his own – ‘Chompers Cheddar.’
Martin was taken aback by the chips, he had been dismissive of the fact that they were just plain chips cooked in beef fat, no added ingredients, but they were fantastic, the best chips he had tasted in a long time.
Gary had considered making a dressing for the salad, but he thought it would clash with the mustard. Martin advised him that a second flavour centre on the salad would have been a good counterpoint to the burger, and Gary promised he would take that on board for next time.
The winner that week prepared an Ocean of Mediterranean shrimp, with boats of Hasselback tomato Caprese salad in a calvados sauce, and a central island sfera of cranberry-blue cheese.
Martin thought it “innovative”, while Charlie thought it “sunshiny”, and that it “reminded her of holidays.”
Gary went through to the next round on a slightly increased share of the public vote, and an extra point each from Charlie and Martin for the chips.
Episode three. The challenge was to cook dinner.
On a Sunday at the Happy Chompers there was a Three Meats Buffet Roast, so that’s what Gary recreated. A selection of vegetables from his local market, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, gravy, and the choice of beef with horseradish sauce, lamb with mint sauce, or pork with apple source, or any combination of the above that you wanted to pile on your plate.
This was all noticeably more substantial than the offerings of his competitors who with great care were arranging small amounts of highly coiffured food on large plates, and the barrage of roasted meat smells in the Chef Supreme kitchen battered down any other aromas. The generosity of Gary’s cooking was more than matched by the quality, Charlie said she thought the roast potatoes were utterly irresistible, and despite Martin’s critical scrutiny he had to admit the horseradish sauce was ‘a thoroughbred racing certainty!’ The generosity wasn’t just in the portion size, there was an infectious generosity of spirit in Gary’s cooking and manner, he just loved to make people happy with what he cooked.
The other competitors were in danger of looking mean and pretentious.
While Charlie was talking to Gary about his ‘gorgeous roasty spuds’, the other competitors were having conversations with Martin about ‘en papillote lobster’ or ‘macerated jicama’, and becoming faintly aware it sounded like they weren’t having any fun.
As public support for Gary was going up, to increase the tension and drama the producers encouraged Martin to mark Gary down. Martin didn’t like being told what to do, but he understood what made for good TV, so went along with them and gave Gary a hard time, but still Gary’s share of the vote went up and he was through to the next round.
Between episodes the competitors had to stay at home. In the first few series they had let the competitors go on with their ordinary working lives and filmed them for backstory footage, but it had become difficult to prevent other media getting in on the act and influencing the narrative. So now the competitors were issued with Minders and had to stay home, which at least gave them more time to prepare ingredients, and the Production Company could easily film their preparations. Staged meetings with family and friends were also filmed, the competitors were interviewed about their lives, and sometimes they were actually taken to their place of work to be filmed as if they were at work. All the images, and the film footage, were then put out on the competitor’s social media accounts, and used in the show.
The Producers had to have a word with Gary because he was proving reluctant to repeat the catch phrases they had given him,
“Banging bangers”
“Hot baps”
“Greasy buns”
He had also declined to be filmed in the grease stained white T shirt they wanted him to wear at his home. “Cleanliness and cooking go together like bacon and eggs”, he said, so they got him to repeat that on the show when Martin asked him about his philosophy of cooking. That caught on as a social media meme as it seemed to speak of his honest approach to cooking and to life, so they let slip the other catch phrases.
Episode Four: Party Food.
Martin and Charlie were equipped with party hats, kazoos, and streamers.
They enthusiastically instructed the cooks to ‘get the party started!’
Party food was a bit of a challenge for Gary as the Producers had said he was only to prepare food from the Happy Chompers menu, and there was no party food on the menu. They had even gotten him to say to Charlie he would only prepare food from the Happy Chompers menu.
After some consideration Gary suggested preparing things he thought the customers of the Happy Chompers would like to eat at a party, and made a mental note to have a word with Matt when he got back about putting party food on the menu. The Producers agreed.
So he made, Sweet chilli dip, Garlic mayonnaise, BBQ source, and Curry sauce, and to dip in these he made Chips, Chicken chunks, Hash browns and Mini fish fingers.
He also made Jelly and ice cream, and baked some cupcakes.
As he said, “it’s not really a party without jelly and ice cream.”
The cameras caught one of his competitors sneaking a Chicken chunk dipped in Curry sauce. She had made Cheddar and Petal Pomanders, Shredded Brussels Sprout and Ricotta Toast, and Carrot tartlets stuffed with pickled shrimp, and had made a sarcastic comment about Gary cooking chips with everything. Sadly for her that was the week she went home, despite her Carrot tartlets being judged “perky” by Martin.
Gary was into the next round.
He had got a lot further than anyone had expected.
Everyone including the main sponsors of the show.
‘Exclusive Eats’ ran an ad for their fancy restaurant chain before and after each episode. They began to wonder if Chef Supreme was a brand they wanted to be associated with. The further Gary progressed, the more ridiculous they felt it made them look, and so they had a word with the Production Company, who had a word with the Producers, who had a word with the Judges. To be fair, neither the Production Company, nor the Producers, nor the Judges, were happy about the thought of giving Gary low enough marks to see him leave the competition, but Exclusive Eats did not appreciate the increased viewing figures as those new viewers were not likely to be increasing their takings.
The Executive Producer reflected that this was in fact an existential question for Chef Supreme, were they are a serious cooking competition or just light entertainment?
So it was decided Gary must go.
It had been fun, but now it was effecting business.
Scripts were prepared for Martin and Charlie about how Gary had let himself down this week, about how he couldn’t compete now the competition had got serious, about the importance of haute cuisine to British cultural life.
Martin had a mate in the restaurant trade, a golfing buddy who ran a chain of Fish and Chip restaurants, in fact Britain’s biggest chain of Fish and Chip restaurants, called ‘OMC!’ - that stands for ‘O My Cod!’
OMC! is part of ‘Nutritious Foods’, the largest food retailing and distribution company in Europe.
Martin gave his mate a ring.
OMC! was keen not to miss a prime time marketing opportunity like Chef Supreme.
The deal was done.
The ad produced.
Chef Supreme had a new sponsor.
Exclusive Eats sued for breach of contract.
Existential crises over.
Episode five: Under Pressure.
In this episode contestants have to cook a set menu for a selection of celebrity guests. The time allotted for the preparation and cooking of the meal is tight, with contestants being reminded of the passing of time by a series of alarms, including claxons, car horns, horror screams, and crying baby sounds. Extra stress is added by a rock band playing loud music, the heating being turned up, a series of hilarious surprise pranks being pulled by Charlie, and random changes being made to the menu part way through the program.
The menu was originally a starter of Caramelised blanched broccoli florets with sautéed portabella mushrooms in crisp bread gondolas afloat in a clarified butter canelé. The main course was a cheese, spinach, carrot, and shallot soufflé, with a side of Tajarin pancetta pasta in a butter sage sauce, all served with sun dried tomato sourdough paninis. Then finally as a dessert, toffee and cream cheese crepes with whipped cream in a thick blueberry and dandelion sauce.
Part way through cauliflower was substituted for the broccoli in the first course, and raspberries substituted for the blueberries in the dessert, and both times only after all the chefs had made a start on preparing that part of the menu.
Charlie soaked the chefs with high pressure water pistols, and stopped them cooking to show them cute cat videos.
This week was a favourite with audiences.
In previous series harassed contestant had been in tears, there had been furious walk outs, and food had been hurled across the studio.
Martin suggested to camera that the set menu might be a problem for Gary.
It wasn’t, he was glad to show he could cook something other than bangers and burgers, and if you can calmly cook with the radio blaring, and in full view of a queue of hungry bikers, bin men, and brickies, full of banter and opinions, and all in a furious hurry, then being squirted by a TV comedian isn’t really a problem. It all reminded him of the time an inebriated Hen Party came in to the Happy Chompers after a night out on the town. They were wanting breakfasts, but they did not wait quietly in an orderly queue, instead they invaded his kitchen and he lost his trousers, but still he fried on. He told Charlie that story and the Producers made sure it made the final edit.
Gary went through to the next round, and people in the press and on social media began to wonder if he might not just be a novelty contestant, that he might actually win.
Episode six: Regional Speciality.
Gary prepared a Parmo, served with chips and Pease pudding, and presented in a cardboard take away box.
For those of you unfamiliar with this delicacy, it originated from the Middlesbrough area where it is a popular take away food, especially with late night revellers returning home. It consists of a breaded cutlet of chicken topped with cheese and a white béchamel sauce. The name is a punning reference to the Italian dish chicken parmigiana.
A Parmo is usually served in a take away box, with chips and salad. However, Gary added a further regional twist with the Pease pudding, a dish from the North East of England that confusingly isn’t a pudding but is actually a kind of thick hummus made with split yellow peas, water, salt and spices.
Gary had gotten Parmos onto the menu at the Happy Chompers, but although the A 187 runs East and West it was just too far south for Pease Pudding to catch on. Gary said that he hoped Pease Pudding’s appearance on prime time TV might help spread it across the country, a line which the Producers made sure was in the final edit. Gary explained his family was from the North East, and it was a heritage he was proud of. Perhaps firming up the North East vote helped him into the next round.
Charlie suggested the quality of Gary’s chips was enough to get him into the final. Martin agreed the quality was superb, but was beginning to wonder if Gary was a “one trick chip pony.”
Episode Seven: Exotica.
Considering how much international food is native to the UK this category is perhaps a bit ambiguous, but then perhaps authenticity is not the touchstone of Chef Supreme.
Gary made a Monterey Jack Cheese Beef Burger, seasoned with olive oil, pepper and salt, and served with grilled chicken breast, red onion, salad, and burger sauce made up of mayonnaise, ketchup, pickle relish, chilies, and a secret set of spices. There was a side of Curly fries in Cajun sauce.
All the ingredients were Gary-made, and the meal was available every weekend at the Happy Chompers.
Gary explained he had taken on board the criticism of serving chips with everything, and had instead gone for Curly fries.
Charlie suggested it should all come with a health warning as it was a heart attack in a burger bun, but the rest of her comments were somewhat muffled by both the bun and its contents.
He was into the final.
Episode Eight: Signature Dish.
The Happy Chompers opened late for the regulars to watch the final together, and TV cameras with a genial presenter were also there to capture the atmosphere live.
When Matt had said Gary could take the time off to enter Chef Supreme he hadn’t in truth expected him to be away for eight weeks. The extra business generated by the publicity was certainly welcome, but the extra work had at first been difficult to manage. Then a letter arrived from a Chef asking if he could work at the Happy Chompers, and then another letter like it, and then several more, eventually he realised that being able to say that you had worked at the Happy Chompers was helpful to your career, not because of the quality of the cooking, although Matt did try to maintain the quality, but because the Happy Chompers was famous.
Matt wondered if Gary would come back. It seemed less likely as the competition progressed. He began to wonder if any of these temporary Chefs might be persuaded to stay on. One had already moved on to a London Restaurant.
Most of the regulars never expected to see Gary again. Why would he come back to the Chompers? Most of them expected him to win, as did most of the viewing public. Gary had become a phenomenon.
The final program included in depth interviews with the remaining four competitors, conducted by the serious TV journalist, Michael Grant, who, as Charlie proclaimed in her introduction of him, had a reputation for grilling politicians, frying fraudsters, and boiling celebs.
The idea was to give the voting audience a deeper insight into the remaining Chef’s personalities, although the fact that it padded out the program now that there were less competitors also helped with timings.
Gary had spoken of family Sunday dinners with his grandfather before in the program, he had also been prodded to explain to Charlie that not long after he had moved back home after trying to make it as a Chef his father passed away, and that he had taken the job at the Happy Chompers so he could move out of the family home to a flat and yet still be near his mother. Gary explained to Charlie that most of the vegetables, herbs and spices he had been preparing all series came from his mother’s garden, and that growing things helped him keep calm and positive.
The producers knew there was viewing figures and votes in a human interest story.
After some questions about Gary’s cooking career, and romantic life, Michael Grant pursued that line, “so, why did you move out of your mother’s house when your father died, did you not get along?”
Gary explained that he lived with his mother for a while after his father passed, but that his mother insisted he would never find a young lady while he was living at home with his old mum. He had been concerned about leaving his mother, but she had friends at the Chapel, and she helped at the local Food Bank, so he knew she wasn’t going to be lonely. Then the job at the Chompers came about, which was local.
“So, did you have a very religious upbringing?”
Gary was puzzled, how do you measure how religious something is? He hadn’t experienced any other upbringings to compare. So, leaving aside abstractions, he explained his father had been a Methodist Minister, and his mother a Local Preacher. “That’s why we went to Grandad’s for lunch on a Sunday, my parents were always busy on Sundays.”
“Have you rejected your religious upbringing?”
Again Gary was puzzled, his upbringing was a part of him, how could it be otherwise? He moved to the safer ground of facts once more, saying that he didn’t go to Chapel now because his life was too busy. He worked six days a week, getting up early to make trucker’s breakfasts, and preparing ingredients when he was back home. On Sundays he tried to have a rest. As a child he had sometimes found Chapel boring, but he liked it when they had the bread and wine as that was like a special family meal, with his Dad hosting. When your Dad is a Minister, and your mum a Local Preacher, there isn’t much family time on a Sunday, or any day of the week, but family did kind of happen in Chapel.
“But you must have outgrown all that religious teaching you had as a child?”
Gary was offended, he explained that his parents always did their best for him, but had been very busy people. He added that he had always felt welcome at Chapel. Then he paused in thought, smiled and said that Jesus was a cook. Jesus loved to host, he fed people bread and fishes, he cooked fish for his disciples on the beach, he shared bread and wine at the Last Supper, “so that’s what I do with what I learned at Chapel, I try to do what Jesus did – I feed people because that makes people feel loved, and that makes me feel useful … and it’s a bit like family.”
“So is the Happy Chompers like a chapel? A family?”
“No mate, it’s a roadside cafe.”
That made Michael Grant smile, but he wasn’t giving up, “that’s right, everyone is welcome at a roadside cafe, it’s inclusive, whereas a church or chapel isn’t inclusive, is it? Not everyone is welcome.”
Gary replied, “Everyone is welcome at the Happy Chompers so long as they can pay. Commercial outlets say they are inclusive, what they mean is they take all major forms of credit card. Jesus said, “Freely you have received, freely give.” The only question he asked people was, “are you hungry?”
He went on. “To be truthful I haven’t thought about this stuff since I was a teenager, and I’m a little bit surprised to be talking about it on a TV show. If you want to know about chapel ask my mum, she’ll be glad to give you a sermon. I fry burgers for a living.”
Michael Grant continued his line of questioning, “You are asking the public for their votes, I think they are entitled to know if you would welcome them all equally to your restaurant?”
“To be truthful I wouldn’t welcome them equally.”
“No?!”
“That’s right, any rich fool who’s easily parted from his money is especially welcome.”
“That’s not very Christian!”
“I didn’t say I was a Saint, I said I was a cook.”
The signature dish Gary cooked for the final was sausage and mash, with onion gravy. For dessert, although he kept calling it a “pudding”, he made treacle sponge with custard.
Charlie said that she really liked a good firm sausage, and that Gary’s sausage was the tastiest ever.
Martin, with a wistful look in his eye, said that Gary’s treacle sponge reminded him of home when he was a kid.
Gary came second.
Which is good going for a roadside cafe chef.
You didn’t expect a burger flipper to win a prestigious cooking show did you?
It seem his vote peaked too early, he got his highest share of the vote in episode seven.
Perhaps it was because he stopped including chips with his meals in the last two episodes.
The public can be inscrutable.
Perhaps more people identified more with the Chef who came first.
The winner was Zoom Bos.
Zoom was an excellent cook who combined flavours from Canada, where she grew up, with flavours from Malaysia, where her mother was from, with flavours from Holland, where her father was from. To her food was very spiritual, and so blending flavours from across the world brought people together in peace and harmony. At 23, Zoom was the youngest ever winner. Her parents worked in finance, hence the international flavours of her family, though they where now all resident in Chelsea.
Her smile lit up the room, and she had a much more colourful and chatty personality than Gary.
She said that winning Chef Supreme was “a dream come true.”
Very soon Zoom had a cook book out, and was presenting a TV series about Malaysian cuisine.
She appeared soon after on ‘Celebs date Plebs.’ A show that pairs off celebrities with people who are not yet famous in the hope of televised romance blossoming.
Sadly Zoom did not find love.
What became of Gary?
He was not short of offers.
A book deal, a job offer from OMC to be a Chef in a series of adverts, chat show appearances, and an offer from an obscure Christian channel to present a program on ‘Cuisines of the Bible’.
However, Gary didn’t want to give away the secrets of his recipes in a cook book, the advertising Chef job with OMC didn’t appear to involve any cooking, the Chat shows required chatting about himself which he wasn’t comfortable with, and his mother told him the ‘Cuisines of the Bible’ show lacked any biblical scholarly rigour. In any case, he only entered Chef Supreme for a joke, and to prove he really could cook. He had given everyone a laugh, and he had demonstrated to the world that he was a quality cook, so now he could go back to his life.
Except of course his life had changed, the Happy Chompers was a now a popular destination for lovers of transport cafe cuisine, and for those wishing to experience it for the first time. More Porta-a-cabins were going to be needed.
And Gary had changed. His time on the show had made him realise that what he loved was cooking for people, but that he needed more time for himself, to spend with his family, and to have another go at dating. By working all hours he was making the same mistake again, and the same mistake his Father had made. He said he would come back to the Happy Chompers with reduced hours, and that Matt should hire him an assistant to train up. Matt was mightily relieved Gary was coming back, and even upped his salary despite the reduced hours.
Perhaps Gary had almost been living the dream, and now he could seek out the rest of his dreams.
He occasionally went to Chapel with his mother, and helped out with cooking at the Food Bank cafe.
Dating seemed easy at first as lots of eager ladies wanted to kiss ‘that Gary off the tele!’ However, Gary didn’t want to be ‘that Gary of the tele’, so they were disappointed.
One showbiz offer he did take up was to be on ‘Celebs date Plebs.’
He wanted to buy a house and they offered him a lot of money.
He didn’t find love with a ‘yet to be famous’ person, but he did find love with another Celeb on the show – Carrie Black, a soap star whose real name was Caroline Brown. So shame on you if you thought reality shows were all fake.
Without love anything can be fake, but with love reality can be meaningful.
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