A Sketch for anyone who has been on a Committee and wondered if there might be a better way. Thankfully quite unlike any Committee I have ever been on, however to avoid the accusation of being ‘holier than thou’ I have slipped in a few churchy associations for those of that persuasion. .
A Meeting of the Heron.
Or
The Piscine Catching Council.
Scene: In a field by a river stands a circle of 8 Grey Heron.
Brian: Are we all here?
Dave: Just waiting for Ed.
Christine: I saw him by the pond this morning, so he’s about.
Cliff: Those crows were at the pond again yesterday.
Christine: They’re always there these days, they’re after the fish. It’s not on, something should be done. I was saying to Mavis the other day, she agreed - you know she had a close call with one of them. Quite put her out for the day. She still not right from that stomach upset, mind, she’s not been right for a while, bit delicate that’s her trouble, but lovely with it.
Cliff: I thought the farmer might do something about it, but no. Negligence I call it.
Christine: What can the famer do about Mavis’ stomach?
Cliff: The crows, he should do something about the crows. Never mind Mavis’ stomach.
Christine: That’s not very nice, you wouldn’t want an upset stomach…anyway, what’s Mavis ever done to you?
Brian: Could we...?
John: Maybe if the farmer sorted out those crows they wouldn’t alarm Mavis, and her stomach might settle down.
Brian: I think we should get underway.
Cliff: Do you mean Mavis from top end of the wood?
Christine: Top end of the wood? She’s from by the bend in the beck.
Cliff: Then who’s that from top end of the wood, name of Mavis?
Brian: I’m going to read out our sacred oath that we all may give the ascent, and get this meeting started, Ed or no Ed.
O great fisher bird fly
Christine: You’re thinking of Madge. She lives up the top end of the wood.
Cliff: Shhhh! Show some respect!
Brian: O great fisher bird fly
Christine: Have we started?
Brian: O GREAT FISHER BIRD
Cliff: You’ve done that bit.
Christine: Madge used to come to the PCC. She was a trooper. Always ready to help. You know who upset her, don’t you?
Brian: Please! Everyone! Our oath…
O great fisher bird fly down,
Swoop across the water blue,
Land and take up your crown,
Still as a one leggéd statue,
Thou great fisher bird of renown!
All heartily reply: May there be fish!
Brian: Now, have we any apologies?
John: No.
Brian: Nothing from Ed or Madge?
John: No.
Brian: If you cannot attend PCC then you are supposed to send apologies. Perhaps if someone sees Ed or Madge they could remind them?
Cliff: Ed’s fishing, and Madge has got the hump.
Brian: Don’t minute that. Just put that Brian, Diane, Brenda, Cliff, John, Hubert, Stella and Christine are in attendance.
Cliff: The magnificent eight.
Brian: Does anyone have any conflict of interest with any item on the agenda? If so they must declare it now.
Cliff: I have no interest whatsoever in any item on the agenda.
Brian: Thank you for that. Now, has everyone had a chance to look at the minutes of the last meeting, are they a true record?
Brenda: The meeting began at 8.03am not 8am. In agenda item 1, line 3, there is a semicolon that should be a colon, in agenda item 2, line four, it states that that Brian’s legs are dark pink when in fact they are peuce, in the same agenda item, line five, it states Cliff said I shouldn’t be looking at Brian’s legs and I would like it to be made clear that I said I wasn’t, and in agenda item 4, line 2, there is a colon that should be a semicolon. Also, the Grand Herron Piscine Catching Council Handbook states that agenda items should be numbered in Roman Numerals – I have pointed this out before.
Cliff: Does any of that matter?
Brenda: Of course it matters.
Cliff: Why on earth do you think it matters?
Brenda: (drawing herself up to her full height) Because it is the truth.
John, let the minutes show that Brian does not think the truth matters.
Cliff: John, let the minutes state that Brenda is a dried up old twig.
John: I will put that the minutes of the last meeting were amended with helpful contributions from both Brenda and Cliff.
Brian: Thank you.
Now, is there anything arising from the minutes not covered in the agenda?
(Christine looking confused shuffles her papers)
Christine, have you got a copy of the agenda?
Christine: Which one is that? I thought I had it…I could share Hubert’s. He’s not using it anyway.
Brian: John, do you have any spare copies of the agenda?
Yes?
Then if you could pass one to Christine?
Thank you.
Now, is there anything that we should be addressing from the minutes that’s not covered in the agenda?
Hint – I don’t think there is.
Stella: Will we be decorating the heronry for Christmas this year? Only, I don’t think we ever cleared up who is in charge of organising this? Our nests look so lovely decorated at Christmas, but I think everyone agrees that last year was a bit of a disaster.
Brian: Yes, we discussed that at the meeting before last, and the meeting before that, and in the run up to Christmas, but we managed not to have that conversation at the last meeting, so it isn’t in the minutes, and as we did agree a way forward at the meeting before last it isn’t on the agenda this time either.
Stella: So we won’t be having decorations this Christmas?
Brian: That’s not what I said.
Stella: Christmas is cancelled. It’s in the minutes apparently.
Brian: We agreed that this year as it is a big job, and you said you needed help, you would work with Christine on organising the decorations, and that Hubert would help.
Christine: I don’t remember agreeing to that! Hubert, do you remember?
Brian: I thought you said you would help…
Brenda: I have the minutes here.
Item 4, Christmas Decorations.
Stella again expressed disappointment with the decorations at Christmas.
Brian pointed out that Stella had stepped down last year ‘as the job was a big one and no one would help’, and Diane had kindly taken on the task instead.
Diane then offered to step down from the role of CDO (Christmas Decorations Organiser) if Stella wasn’t happy with her work.
Christine said that although she hadn’t time to take on the role herself, she would gladly help whoever was appointed.
Brian asked if, with Christine’s help, Stella would take back the role of CDO? (Christmas Decorations Organiser)
Diane proposed Stella be reinstated as CDO (Christmas Decorations Organiser).
Christine seconded the proposal.
There followed a vote in favour of the proposal.
For - Brian, Diane, Brenda, Cliff, John, Stella and Christine.
Against – None.
Abstentions – Hubert.
Although, I’m not sure being asleep counts as an abstention…I will have to have a look in the Grand Herron Piscine Catching Council Handbook and get back to you.
Stella: Precisely! That’s what I was saying. It’s a big mess. Who’s in charge, Hubert, Christine or me? I mean, I would be willing to do the job, but I can’t be organising Christine and Hubert on top of all that.
Brian: Brenda, there was no mention in the minutes of Hubert volunteering to help, was there? How did he come into this?
Brenda: It’s not in the minutes but I think John suggested that Hubert might like to help.
John: I did suggest it as Hubert sometimes feels a bit left out, but I didn’t think we decided on the matter so I didn’t include it in the minutes.
Brenda: According to the Grand Herron Piscine Catching Council Handbook minutes should be “a true and accurate record of the meeting”, I don’t know how Brian is supposed to Chair this meeting if we haven’t “a true and accurate record” of all that’s said.
John: My apologies.
Brenda: And what’s the point of using abbreviations in the minutes if we are going to write in brackets after the abbreviation what the abbreviation means?
Cliff: UAE.
Brenda: Pardon?
Cliff: UAE – An Unnecessary Abbreviation Explanation.
Brian: I think we might be straying from the point here…
Cliff: The point being?
Brian: The point being that Christmas decorations come under the remit of the Heronry and Associated Nests Committee, not the Piscine Catching Council, we are about catching fish not maintaining nests. We can and have discussed the matter of Christmas decorations, but ultimately we can only refer the matter to the HANC.
Cliff: Hairy Auld Nobbly Cocks.
Brenda: Knobbly is spelt with a silent K.
Brian: John wrote to inform the HANC of our recommendation that Stella be reinstated as CDO.
John: As you all know, I also act as secretary for HANC – so that saved a stamp.
Brian: Excellent.
John: Shall I add Christmas decorations to the agenda of the next meeting?
Brian: You had better as it will inevitably come up, there’s no time to be discussing it tonight, we have a full agenda of important matters.
Stella: So what did we decide?
Brian: We decided to move on, but don’t worry – there will inevitably be a full and frank discussion at the next meeting.
The first item on the agenda, Finances. Diane, do you have your report?
Diane: I circulated a full written report at the last meeting, with the intention that everyone read it for this meeting and ask any questions, or make any observations, that may arise.
Cliff: I see the Grand Council want more fish off of us.
Diane: Yes, the Grand Herron Piscine Catching Council is asking us to increase our fish contribution by 10% to help meet increased running costs.
Cliff: I don’t think we can afford it.
Brian: We must be generous. The GHPCC does important work. I think if we implement the proposals I have put forward in the next items on the agenda we will find we catch more fish and can indeed afford to be more generous.
Cliff: If the Grand Council didn’t exist it would cost nowt.
Brian: The GHPCC coordinates and supports the efforts of the local PCCs, they provide training on running and developing PCCs, they organise the annual jamboree, and through extensive committee work and consultation they form national policy.
Cliff: …and the national policy is to ask local PCCs to contribute more.
Brian: I don’t know where we would be without the GHPCC.
Cliff: We’d be solvent.
Christine: I don’t see why we should contribute anymore, does anyone else?
There follows a long silent pause.
Brian: Perhaps it’s best to come back to that one at the end of the meeting when we have approved our plans for growth.
Diane, was there anything else we should be thinking about from your report?
Diane: We are paying Otters in fish to maintain fishing spots along the banks of the river.
Brian: Yes, so we can meet regularly as the PCC to discuss ways forward. There’s no point in our time being taken up with maintenance when we can pay the Otters to do it for us.
Diane: It’s just that the time we spend in meetings is greater than the time we would be spending in maintaining the river bank fishing spots, and if you look at the second graph on page three, you will see that if we did the maintenance ourselves, and spent the time saved not having meetings on actually fishing, and consumed the catch ourselves, then given average to low catch rates we would be 10 – 15 % fatter.
Brain: We all want to be fatter, it could be a hard winter and we need all the layers we can get, but the way to catch more fish is to form a strategy for growth, which is what we will be doing in a moment. Anyway, it’s not all about graphs – where is the joy of fishing in graphs? How can you measure the thrill of the hunt? The excitement of the catch?! It’s about more than graphs and figures! How can you measure those wonderful Herony things?!
Diane: In an increase of 10-15% of fat – that’s how.
Brenda: I think what Brain is saying is that we can do better than average to low catch rates if we put our heads together.
Brian: Thank you. If we work together, pool our ideas, brainstorm possibilities, think outside the box, and don’t be afraid to try new things then we can do better than average to low, we can do average to high, or better! High will be average and the average even higher.
Thank you Diane for what you do, but we mustn’t be bound by graphs.
Diane: Always glad to help.
Brian: Right, first item on the agenda – The Systematic Deconstruction of Mechanical Phraseology, Technical Terminology, and Specialist Vocabulary in both Committee Processes and Communications.
This is from the GHPCC’s Report, ‘Growing, Gaining, Going: A Framework for Flourishing.’
I think this is going to be very helpful, especially in attracting new members to the PCC, so what do people think?
Where should we start with this one?
Shall we toss up some ideas and see if they fly?
Let’s get creative – and radical…
The GHPCC is giving us permission to be innovative and forward thinking on this, and I think that’s just the green light we’ve been waiting for…we must not be held back by outmoded ways and attitudes…the past cannot be an anchor weighing the future down…we must spread our wings and embrace blue sky thinking…
Cliff: Just what are you on about, Brian?
Brian: Liberation. That’s what I’m on about. Throwing off the linguistic shackles that hold us earthbound! This is not just about attracting new members; this is about liberating our practices by liberating our very language.
Cliff: I’m not sure I want to be liberated.
Diane: Brian, perhaps it would help if you gave us an example?
Brian: Piscine!
Diane: Yes? And…?
Brian: Piscine! Don’t you see?
Diane: Could you perhaps explain?
Brian: To be honest I’m a little disappointed at the lack of enthusiasm of you all for this. I didn’t want to say this yet, but there is a possibility that I might be invited to appear before the Regional GHPCC Pre-Selection Board. I don’t need to tell you what that means; it would be not just an honour for me, but for you all as the PCC. I had hoped you would be more supportive. Perhaps I should decline their kind invitation. I regard you all not just as colleagues and neighbours, but as friends…I really do…and I had hoped you regarded me the same way.
Brenda: Well, I for one am with you!
Brian: Thank you Brenda, that means a lot.
John: We are all with you Brian, I just don’t think we fully understand the implications of all this. Perhaps we’re being a bit slow…?
Brian: It would help me at the interview if I was seen to be taking forward the GHPCC’s ‘Growing, Gaining, Going’ agenda. I genuinely think it would help us too.
Diane: So, what do you want us to do?
Brian: Change the word Piscine in Piscine Catching Council to Fish.
Diane: The Fish Catching Council. On the basis that piscine means fish, but is a more commonly understood word?
Brian: Yes. As part of the GHPCC’s ‘Growing, Gaining, Going’ agenda we are supposed to systematically deconstruct mechanical phraseology, technical terminology, and specialist vocabulary in both committee processes and communications.
John: Simplify our language?
Brian: That’s what I said…although it’s more about reimagining the possibilities of language within a forward looking inclusivity inviting Herron focused space.
Brenda: I propose we change the word ‘Piscine’ to the word ‘Fish’ in the title of our committee.
Brian: Well done Brenda. I second that.
Cliff: Hang on. I like the traditional language, and everyone knows what piscine means. Christine, you know what Piscine means don’t you?
Christine: I should hope so!
Brian: Ah! There’s the mistake, we know what it means, but do people not on the PCC know what it means? And are they put off joining by our archaic language?
Cliff: Has anyone asked them?
Christine, you knew what piscine meant before you joined the PCC didn’t you?
Christine: I should hope so!
Cliff: And I certainly did. We won’t attract new members by patronising them.
John: Perhaps we should put it to the vote?
I presume Hubert is abstaining.
All in favour?
That’s Brian, Brenda and Diane.
And against?
That’s Cliff, Christine, Stella and me.
Brian: You?
John: I’ve just purchased a new box of PCC headed note paper, and PCC embossed envelopes, and a new box of pens each with PCC written up the side.
Look…we all want you to do well at the Regional GHPCC Pre-Selection Board, shall I put the name change on the agenda for next time – then you can tell them we are working towards changing the name.
Cliff: Ay! It would be a feather in your cap, lad.
Brian: I am glad we have found a way forward.
Stella: I always wondered what piscine meant. You learn something new every day.
Brian: Excellent. Now, next item on the agenda; a strap line for our PCC. Again, this is from ‘Growing, Gaining, Going’, and the suggestion is this will give us the focus and drive we need going forward. I circulated copies, so I presume you’ve all read the GHPCC’s Report, ‘Growing, Gaining, Going: A Framework for Flourishing’, but would it help if I reminded folk of the chapter on Strap lines by reading out the 22 page summary they helpfully give at the end of that chapter?
John: I’m sure we would appreciate that, but time is getting on.
Brian: Right. Well the main point is that we need a punchy three word strap line to sum up what we are about. This will focus our time and energies on the matter at hand, rather than us expending our time and energies on peripheral matters. It is so easy to lose sight of our core mission if we are not mindful of what we are truly about.
Cliff: Three words?
Brian: That’s it.
Cliff: Piscine Catching Committee.
Brian: But does that really sum up what we do? I mean, what we actually do?
Cliff: To be fair – no.
Brian: Exactly.
Brenda: On page 13 of the 22 page strap line summary in ‘Growing, Gaining, Going: A Framework for Flourishing’ they suggest we might want to use ‘Growing, Gaining, Going’ as our PCC strap line. I propose we go with that, particularly as any other strap line we come up with has to be submitted for approval by the GHPCC’s General Annual Meeting, but we can just go ahead with ‘Growing, Gaining, Going’ because it’s already been approved.
Cliff: If it means we can all go home the sooner, I second that.
John: Shall we vote on that proposal?
Brain: Wait a minute. I think we should consider this more carefully. I am sure the GHPCC strap line is excellent, but I’m not sure we will benefit from this process if we do not go through a long and considered process of hammering out the correct words for ourselves.
Cliff: Who’s on favour of ‘Groping, Gaining, Going’?
Brian: ‘Growing, Gaining, Going’
Cliff: That’s right, ‘Groaning, Gaining, Going.’
Brian: No - ‘Growing, Gaining, Going.’
Stella: Where are we going?
Brian: Nowhere till we get this done.
Stella: Only you have to stand still to fish. Very, very still for ages. Going doesn’t help.
Brenda: According to page 33, paragraph 4, line 6, in the chapter on Strap lines, “‘Going’ reflects a locomotive desire to progress futurewards, and as such is an energising and motivational principle.”
Cliff: I vote for ‘Going, going, gone.’
John: If this new strap line has to go on the note paper then it’ll have to wait until we have got through that new box of PCC headed note paper I’ve just purchased, which at present rates of usage I would estimate would be in about three years’ time. That’s not to mention the embossed envelopes and branded pens.
Brian: We can’t be held back by stationary.
Cliff: What would the Regional GHPCC Pre-Selection Board want?
Brian: Ah! Yes, good point Cliff. I second the proposal for ‘Growing, Gaining, Gooning.’
Cliff: That’s - ‘Growing, Gaining, Gone.’
John: All in favour of ‘Growing, Gaining, Goofing’?
That’s Brian, Brenda, Cliff, Christine, Diane, and myself.
Against?
Just Stella.
And Hubert appears to be abstaining. That’s carried then, and although of course it cannot immediately be implemented it will never-the-less come into effect in the fullness of time as and when current stationary supplies run out.
Stella: Why can’t we decide about the Christmas decorations on the PCC, it’s exactly the same people on the other committee?
Brian: Stella, you can organise the Christmas decorations this year on condition that you either accept help doing it, or don’t complain about not having any help.
Stella: I was going to do them anyway.
Brian: That’s decided then. Any other business?
Enter Ed with fish.
Ed: I thought you all might be in need of some fish.
Fish are handed out and gratefully received
Ed: Now that the footpath has fallen in by the bend in the river, up by the old willows, the council have moved the path across the field which has made a quiet place for fishing. The current pushes the fishes into that bend.
Cliff: Worth remembering!
John: Date and time of next meeting? Here on the 12th as usual?
Cliff: Christine, so you reckon Mavis doesn’t come to PCC anymore because she took offence at something I said?
Christine: It wasn’t something you said – it was you.
Cliff: She lives by the bend in the beck, you say? I may pop in on the way back and say hello, she’s a good sort and got things done, maybe I can patch things up. I wonder if Madge would come on the PCC too. They’re mates aren’t they?
Christine: You’ll have to eat humble fish.
Cliff: I’ve done it before. You’d be surprised. I can be both humble and charming – if I really have to.
Brian: Everyone – our closing acclamation.
O great fisher bird fly down,
Swoop across the water blue,
Land and take up your crown,
Still as a one leggéd statue,
Thou great fisher bird of renown!
All heartily reply: There will be fish!
Brian: Someone wake Hubert up before we go.
Stella: I saved him a fish.
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